My dirt

In the dance of abuse, I am not completely innocent.  I engaged and fed into the cycle.  I am just as guilty of yelling and name calling.. Whether out of frustration or retaliation or defense, I yelled, I called names.....nevertheless, its never right.  Early on in our little hell we called marriage, our fights were at times physical, where things were thrown..by me. So I would in no wise say that I did not participate in this dance of hatred and anger early on, because I did.

As time grew on, and I became a mother, I grew and made better choices of how I would respond to the ugliness that took up residence in my home.  Yet, I would still yell back at times. Which I guess really isn't a better choice.

 As the other party morphed into someone I no longer recognized, I knew something was desperately wrong and fixing it was beyond what I was able to handle.

All of the couples counseling in the world did not help. All of the books I read on my own did nothing.  Both of us were not committed to the process of change or invested in the time it took to make change occur.  I couldn't wrap my brain around if I was doing what all the books told me to do, listening to seminars on tape, doing what pastors, and counselors told me to do, why weren't things improving?

The bottom line is unless each party involved makes a concerted effort to do the work, its not going to work. Simple as that.    I could not make him change. I tried to say the right things, wear the right things, have sex as much as he wanted to, make the right meals, keep the kids quiet, pray more, read my Bible more, none of it worked. None of it!

People change when they commit to changing. No one person can change another person.  I can not control what other people do.  I can only control my actions and my words. I can only treat others with dignity and respect.

Today I take responsibility for my dirt... and no one elses.