I matter

Somewhere down the line he stopped caring about me, he stopped caring about my dreams.  My life was centered around how to build him up and how to encourage him and how to be his 'helpmeet" ( I hate that word).

But it was never enough.  Never enough positive energy, never enough help, never enough building him up.  Ever thought or feeling I had, had to be stuffed so that I wouldn't rock the boat.  I had to keep the peace.

If I disagreed with him, I was accused of many things. I was accused of working against him, being contentious, having a Jezebel, controlling spirit.  I learned  that it was best to keep my mouth shut, and not  say anything.  Even doing that got me in trouble.

 My dreams did not matter.  My ideas did not matter.  At the time he stopped asking me about me, I stopped sharing, I stopped talking about me.  It took a while but I caught on that the life I was in would never be about me.  And its not okay to express how you feel.

So I hold back.  I hold back because, I don't want to rock the boat.  I hold back because I fear being told "NO!"  I hold back because even though in my world I think I'm brilliant, those around me may not think so.

Somewhere in my brain, I have been conditioned to believe that when my ideas are rejected, I am being rejected, therefore I am a reject.  I know that I'm not a reject but, of course the enemy of my soul would love for me to buy into every self defeating, self destructive thought that runs across my mind.

 I have lived through the feeling of not being wanted or only being wanted for sex or as a doormat or an object to take anger out on. 

In the middle of the fight to regain my life I'm holding tightly to the fact that I am not a reject, and I am loved and wanted by my Creator.

I am embracing the reality that I have a heavenly Father who is incredibly in love with me and the thought of abandoning me never crossed his mind.


Today, I am embracing that  my thoughts matter, my ideas matter. 

I matter.